Frame of Mind

Can I even begin to put into words my current state of mind? Can I even begin to tell you where my heart is right now? Can I even start to explain what I think about all day long?

I don't think that is something that I am capable of doing. My current frame of mind is something that changes daily. Most days you will see me being alive and optimistic and other days I am struggling to make it through...but most people will only see the smile and the "everything is going to be okay" face. How can I be anything but faithful? How can I be anything but godly and trustworthy? How do I praise Him in the storm? How do I see that even though my child is literally being taken away from me several times a day--God is there?

Friday night my Bug began having a seizure at about 4:45 this seizure kept going and she began having a headache and she began furrowing her eyebrows and crying in pain, so we did the usual routine of tylenol and holding her for comfort. Twenty-five minutes into the seizure she was still restless and upset so we ran a bath and I got in to hold her because this generally calms her down...as Boy was about to hand her to me she fell backwards, lifeless into his arms and stopped breathing I got out of the tub and ran to her--this happened four times, the fifth and sixth time her face turned blue as it had in the hospital and these times were the longer times where she was non-responsive and completely lifeless. When she gasped for air the sixth time she came to for a few second and began breathing normally and went into a deep sleep for about 2 hours.

This scenario is likely to happen again, we have medicines to stop it before it does hopefully. This is a scary scene and we were overwhelmed-yet calm-because we had witnessed it before...although I do not know that one can ever truly be calm when your child stops breathing in your arms.

I talked to a friend over the weekend and she reminded me to always go back to the truth. The truth of who God is. The truth that God is my comfort, He is our Healer, He is our Savior, our Redeemer, our Protector, our All. Throughout everything that we continue to go through with Bug I don't understand it all, and I look up at heaven sometimes and I say out loud to God, "I do not understand your plan." I have to trust that He doesn't have a plan of calamity for our child or for us (also His children). I have to trust that He sees the end at the beginning. I have to remind myself that "God is God and I am not and I can only see a part of the picture He's painting" (SCC). It's okay for me to kick and scream and cry and be messy with my emotions...I'm only human. That is an okay frame of mind to be in once in awhile...as long as at the end of the day I know that Jesus Christ is on His throne and He has it all, because He is our ALL.