In need of healing...

Today was a difficult day for me...wounds went deeper as more truth was found out about the recent failed adoption. Someone else got hurt in the process of releasing some of the agony and grief of this whole situation. It was inevitable, as there was no way to move forward without talking things out and coming to an understanding of the truth of the situation. I am disappointed that my need for the truth caused someone pain and agony beyond what they had already had to go through. Before today I truly didn't realize at just what level of cruelty certain people were capable...perhaps I truly had lived my life through rose colored glasses. I am blessed to serve a Savior that gives grace and has taught me to forgive and that I have done, because that is for me...but just when I felt that I was beginning to heal it feels like the bandage is being torn slowly off...revealing the pain like saltwater to an open wound. All of the emotion and heartache starts to want to creep back in, when I felt like I had done such a good job of allowing myself to get rid of the bits and pieces of sadness that were there lingering. I will always feel loss for this little girl that we had named, had clothes in a closet for, made plans to be the parents of....but I am praying that the Lord will completely remove this animosity towards those that were responsible for the outright deceit. I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. I am not bitter towards them, it is more a puzzled, questioning feeling...perhaps a longing to understand the thought process of a mind that would go so far to allow a mother to bond with an unborn child and then rip her heart out....and do it not only to one mother but to find out today that it was done to two mothers in essence. I just find that utterly preposterous, and disheartening. Maybe I am not ever going to understand it...perhaps it is not meant for me to understand...I do know this...that little girl is not meant to be mine, and that I have come completely to terms with. The Lord has a child meant in mind for us...we know this. We are very excited about where He is leading us with AGAPE....today just brought in a rush of emotion that I am having a great deal of trouble dealing with.

I am so thankful for my friend, M, without her guidance, voice and support I wouldn't have been able to even breathe let alone talk tonight. I'm reminded of a quote I once heard..."The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares." She didn't have to know all the details of my conversation, because I wanted to keep it private, she didn't have to know all of what I was feeling...because I couldn't quite pin it...there were too many emotions...I was angry, frustrated, annoyed and sad. She was just able to let me spew my raw emotion that I was willing to share.

When my hubbs, my very best friend, got home, he made everything better for the moment by just taking me in his arms and giving me a hug and telling me that I did what I thought I should, and that's all I could do in the situation. We had prayed about it and talked about it and hopefully in the end things will be better for doing so. I am so grateful for a husband that loves the Lord and loves me and knows my heart is always in the right place. Right now my heart is just in need of healing...

Psalms 34:18

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Much love,
~K