Kelsey

This morning I am writing about our failed adoption. I am writing to get out the parts that need to get out this morning so that I can go about my day. This blog is not really for anyone but me, but it allows me to release emotions through words. Although I may not be a dynamic writer, it is one of the simple passions that I do have and it creates an outlet for me to exert my frustrations, pain and bottled up "blahs" as I call them.

We have known about Kelsey for the last 5 months and with each passing day my emotions would change towards the idea of another child. At first, I was not sure that I was ready because we were in the midst of the storm of a lifetime with our daughter...facing trials that no mother should have to endure. Then the Lord began to work in me and let me know that there was a selfishness in me that I needed to work on...that there was enough of me to go around for two children. When Bug went into remission, I wanted to just enjoy having my daughter back. Those months of her being so very ill was literally hell on earth, there were moments of joy, God would allow us to see her smile every so often to remind us that Bug was still inside her little body. So, her being in remission and seizure free and beginning to smile and laugh and come to life again was truly miraculous. I didn't want to share that with another child.

My heart changed. Jesus changed my heart. In the next 3 months, I fell in love with a child that I hadn't met. When I prayed, the Lord never said that this little girl was ours, He just said He asked us to be willing...but willing we became and in love we were. The way things happened to end up not placing Kelsey in our home weren't done properly, and that was hurtful, but that really doesn't matter at this point, the pain at this time has set in and is reeling in emotions that I haven't ever felt. I have felt agony at the thought of losing my daughter, I have sat at the feet of Jesus and begged Him to heal my child. I am at the place in my journey with this that I can't cry anymore over a child that was not in God's plan to be mine. How can you continue to weap over something that wasn't what God wanted for your life? Sure, I am overwhelmingly sad and can not begin to explain the sadness that both myself and the hubbs feel. I just have to put my complete faith and trust in the one person who has my life in the palm of His hand.

One of my mom's best friends sent me a card that said, "When you plant a seed, you don't dig it up to see if it's growing. You just have faith in the miracle of life. Believe in the miracles God has planned for you." I loved that quote. It's so true. No matter what life brings God always has a bigger plan and purpose for our family. Boy and I have a deep conviction for adoption and feel very strongly that the Lord is calling us to continue to adopt. We are so excited to see where He leads us...wherever that journey takes us, we are going to follow Him.

Sometimes our worlds do seem to crash around us and this was a tragedy for our family but Christ died to bring us a promise and He is greater than the greatest obstacles. God can turn any hardship into possibilities.

He rose! And with Him hope arose, and life and light.

Men said, "Not Christ, but death, died yesternight."

And joy and truth and all things virtuous

Rose when He rose.

Much love,
~K