Women can be vicious. Women can be the cause of so much heartache. I say this because I am exhausted with women putting other women down because of differences that do not matter in the grand scheme of things. If you're a mother you know what I am talking about. Judgement and criticism over the tiniest things. Comparisons between your child and the other child. I have had women say things to me like: "So you can't have real children?", "Don't you want one of your own?", "Are you a glutton for punishment?", "Why would you adopt instead of IVF?", "Don't you regret not giving birth?", "You don't make your own baby food?", "Aw, you weren't able to breastfeed." "Cloth diapers are better than regular diapers for your child and the environment."...this list could seriously go on to be even more harsh and hurtful. The point I am trying to make is that in our relationships with other women, why is it that some women always feel like they have to one-up the other woman?
We all wanted to be mothers. That is one of the beautiful things we have in common. We are supposed to be in support of one another and lifting each other up in prayer when we are struggling with decisions to be made about our family and children. NOT placing anxiety or a feeling of inadequacy.
I have read a couple of friends blogs on breast feeding and this morning there was an update about breastfeeding being recommended until at least 6 months. I read one of the comments and my heart just went out to the mom who felt less than or guilty for not being able to breastfeed. There were others who spouted how long they had breastfed as if it was an accomplishment. I'm not saying that it isn't difficult or that you shouldn't be proud...but acting proud when you see another mother struggling with her anguish over not being able to do so is deplorable, in my humble opinion.
I am an incredible mom. (sounds a little cocky, huh?) I know that because I try to see myself as Jesus does. My body may not have carried and delivered my children...but they are "my own". We didn't do IVF simply because God didn't call us to do IVF...had He chosen that as the way He wanted to form our family...we would have. It is a wonderful form of medicine that allows many women to conceive. However, God called us to adopt and if God keeps calling we will continue to answer Him with a yes. I get so frustrated at women for saying hurtful things to friends regarding their decisions on forming their family. Biological children are a magnificently beautiful thing...but they are in fact still children. Children of many colors and ages need homes. You can form a family however GOD chooses to bring your children to you. I have never felt like my body failed me because I haven't given birth or breastfed. It isn't right for other women to think that way...but yet they so often do. My bond is incredibly close with both of my children...there is a fierce love for them I can only say God placed in me as a mother. As I believe He does for each of us.
I wrote this blog simply because I believe that you can have the most amazing relationships with other women....if you see each other through God's eyes. See one another as beautiful daughters of the King. He loves each of us so deeply and is there in the midst of the toughest decisions we make as moms. The days are hard enough without feeling overwhelmed and judged by other moms.
So, embrace that mom that is making tough decisions about her child...give advice with love and prayer before you speak. Your words may ruin her outlook and cause her to feel inadequate over something that truly does not matter. The only thing that matters in the end is your child's relationship with you and our Heavenly Father. THAT is the stuff that I am concerned with. Making my children see Jesus in all that I do, in every relationship I have and in our home. This is what we are supposed to instill in our children through our words and actions.
Love matters. Grace matters. Passion matters. A fierce mother...she is loving, gracious and passionate about her children.
Much love,
~K
Blessed and Adored
Women can definitely be mean...and many of them are proud of the fact. I am sorry that you've had to hear these hurtful comments but I know that you are a very strong woman and you have surely poured your heart out in this post. You are blessed to have your girls and they are equally if not more blessed to have you and your wonderful husband as their parents.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am not a parent, I believe I have felt the same thing you have. My husband and I have chosen to be 'child free'. Neither of us have felt that being a parent is our calling or something that we would be good at. When people find this out, their immediate reaction treats our serious decision as just a fly by night, spur of the moment choice that we have made. 'Oh, you just never know true love until you have a child.' 'You're just not living life to the fullest without children.' 'You'll be great parents, just wait.' Treating me like I have not had discussion upon discussion upon thought upon prayer about this.
If God chooses to give us a child, we will be the best parents we can be and try to give that child nothing less than everything it needs. But right now, we feel this is not for us. Respect the decisions of others. They've probably thought about it seriously and really do not want to hear your thoughts/accomplishments/'one-ups' about it.
You rock Kandra. Keep rockin.
I would give you a standing ovation if we were in the same room right now. :) Fabulous post my friend!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Amy
You should never allow anyone to make you feel inadequate as a mother. God has designed a plan specifically for you and your family and that is exactly the plan you should follow. You are an amazing mother to your children and the perfect mother for them. I know Allie would say the same. I'll tell her anytime she is feeling like she is inadequate or "screwing things up", she is exactly the mother that our children need. There is nothing she needs to change because God has paired her with her children perfectly. He knows exactly what these children need in a mother and he has given them the perfect one. The same goes for you and your family. We admire your family greatly. Every mother, and father for that matter, needs to realize that, although we don't know why we are in some of the circumstances we are in, God has a plan for each of us and He will build families, for those who seek Him, to be exactly the family that He wants.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Glad you said it as coming from a man wouldn't hit home as well.
This post is awesome, Kandra! It frustrates me to no end how badly women can hurt other women. And I just blogged about my unsuccessful experience with breastfeeding, too. When I was going through the struggle, one woman implied that I just wasn't praying hard enough or it would work! I am grateful that you wrote this as a reminder to me that what matters is how my child grows to love and serve God. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI <3 you! That's all...a woman who can speak words straight from my own heart! Cheers!
ReplyDelete