Surgery day...thankful for my Hiding Place.

Holding my child as we are pushed down the longest hall to the operating room...I was clinging to the fact that God had her in His grip.  Physically picking her up and lying her on the operating table and watching as she was put to sleep swiftly...I've done it many times in her life...but this time was agony.  They then tell me that I can pull down my mask and give her a kiss...my eyes burst in tears.  I kissed her, and in my heart of hearts, I wondered if it was the last time I'd kiss that precious face.  That was my ultimate fear for this surgery. I did everything in my power to regain my composure prior to entering that waiting room where my family was...that was by far one of the hardest moments of my life.

Waiting.  Waiting on that call each hour.  Praying.  Crying.  Listening to the praise and worship music that settles my soul...doing my best to tune in to Him.  Trying to remind myself that He was with my child.  He sees her...and He loves her more. More than I do.  He was guiding the surgeons hands.  Our own miracle...lying on a table...that kind of trust is so hard.  I'm certainly not able to say that I mastered that kind of faith or trust...but God truly worked on my heart.  He gives me grace for the moments that I become entwined in my flesh...and can't remember that I too, am His. 

That minute of walking into her room and seeing my child, my baby, my precious miracle hooked up to so many tubes...struggling to breathe on her own.  It's a sight that will never leave me.  I panicked and questioned our decision.  I ached to ease her pain.  I begged God to place His hand on her.  I leaned into her and whispered in her ears that Mommy and Daddy were there...and I prayed out loud.  I prayed and I prayed and I honestly don't think my spirit has stopped. 

Lying in bed that first night home holding Bug in my bed as she slept...tears were freely flowing.  I didn't know when we had left over a week prior if we'd be home together again...if I'd get to hold her this way...to feel her breath on my face as she slept, to hear her suck her fingers like an infant, to feel that little leg spoon me...I believed and hoped...but I didn't know.  This surgery was major.  This surgery was our attempt to save our child.  She can't continue to seize all day every day...her body won't continue on.  Seeing her seize this week...has been like a dagger to my heart each time.  While my brain knows that we are early on in recovery and we can't bank on the good or bad days...how my heart aches.  I would love a world where I never saw another seizure. That may not happen...and God will give me what I need to endure and move forward if so.  He doesn't leave us when He allows us to go through things we think are harder than we can bear...He does in fact use those things to strengthen us.  If we let Him.


I'm searching for the words.  I'm trying to express the place my heart has been for the last several days.  I can't seem to pinpoint what it is that continues to permeate my mind and heart...that gnawing emotion that can't be eased.  Tears continue to come over and over.  I feel like watching her recover...ever so slowly...is both agonizing and miraculous.  She had brain surgery 10 days ago.  She is smiling.  She is laughing.  She is saying "mama".  I'm hopeful.  I am choosing to take each day as it comes and to realize Jesus in the details, to see His hand in each moment.  I'm struggling.  It's not easy...the flood gates are ever pouring out tears.  I get angry, I get frustrated, I feel sadness...at times I am not a person you would want to be around.  My God can handle ALL of my emotions.  I remind myself to trust in Jesus...because I've proved Him over and over.

I am overwhelmed by the love, by the prayers and giving hearts surrounding our family.  I am floored by how God is using individuals to radically bless us in ways that they likely will never know.  I am astounded by the prayer that continues to be lifted on our precious child and family.  It is a humbling thing to have others serve your family...to bring food, mow your yard, bring gift baskets and toys, to take care of your children.   There is more...there is more than I can put into words.  I am forever grateful to those that have surrounded our family in prayer and support...who have continued to be faithful to lift us up.  

God has walked the last five years with us.  Five hard years...beautiful years.  God has continually been there even when we wanted to check out.  We have gone through the motions so many times...and all along He's been the one to carry us through.  This surgery....this surgery was the hardest decision we ever made...and we still don't fully know the outcome.  We do know our Savior...and we know that His plan is truly perfect for our daughter.  We don't have to understand it.  We truly won't ever understand it.  We just choose to trust.  Our girl is recovering, each day she is able to do more than the previous day...but it is slow.  I know that our journey is ours...and is uniquely paved with the ability to appreciate the small things.  To see the beauty in the hard things.

I don't want the storm to pass us over and I don't want Him to remove all of my troubles...because I've learned to believe, to trust and to count on my Savior in the hardness that is life.  I know exactly where to go on the hard days...the days that I don't understand.  I know that when the waters rise....it's in the Lord that I find my hiding place. 

Thanks for the continued prayers of our girl...how incredibly thankful our family is.

Blessings,
K