Dear Bug

Dear Bug,

Mommy is sitting here while you and Doo take a nap....praying.  Sweet girl, my heart has ached for you day after day for years.  Watching you have seizure after seizure, reach milestones only to have them taken from you, watching you fall over and over and do your best to get back up, seeing you get so frustrated when we can't understand what your little heart desires...some days it is more than mommy wants to withstand.  Yet, you make every morning worth it...you are worth more than I'll ever be able to express.  Bug, you are the little one that made me a mommy for the first time...and that will forever hold a special place in my heart.  I was lying down and having a conversation with God and I recalled being so nervous as I rocked you in the NICU, all 2 lbs and 13 oz of you, that my moment of perfect would be taken from me.  I began singing "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus" to you each day for 5 weeks in that NICU...but really I was singing it to myself.  God gave that song to me in a moment that I needed it...and God brought it to my attention once again today as I am hurrying around and preparing to place you in the hands of a surgeon in just a few days....to keep trusting.

Bug, you don't understand everything that is going on at this moment in time...but daddy and I do.  It literally tears us apart to think of you being in more pain, more confusion and enduring more difficulty.  We've been on our knees and we've been sick....and this afternoon God ever so gently reminded me that through everything you've been through...you've smiled.  You've laughed.  You've loved deeper than most people will ever know how to love.  You hold no grudges, you hold no judgement of others, in your world you know only love.  You are what makes me long to seek after Jesus in a powerful way.

I'll never understand the reasons for why you suffer...but when I don't understand why...I go to the Who that I do know.  I know that God loves you.  I know that He sees you.  I know that He is able to hear your innermost thoughts...those thoughts that I so desperately ache to know.  I know that God has a plan to use you for His glory...as He has for all of us that allow Him to use us.  I know that one day you will be fully whole and that this world, while the pain eats away at our hearts, is not our forever home.  So while we are here, my beautiful girl, we will endure and know that He's working out plans for an eternal purpose.

We are approaching the throne of grace with confidence that our heavenly Father loves you in a way that we can't comprehend.  He cries with us as we are filled with anxiety and hope at the same time.  He will hold you in His ever steady hand.  My flesh longs to have you healed and whole on this side of heaven...and I believe that God can and will, if it is what brings Him the most glory. So, sweet child of mine, my prayer is for His plan.  I trust His plan.  I trust that He loves me and daddy, He loves you, He loves our family...and whatever the Lord does through your precious life...we choose Him.

Bug, you are perfect in every single way.  You are one of the greatest loves of my life.  I don't know why I got chosen to be your mommy...and I thank the Lord every single day that I got the special gift of you.  You are so magnificent...there aren't words to express how deeply grateful I am that you are my daughter.  You are more than what I prayed for when I longed to become a mother.  You are beyond my wildest dreams...for with you...I get to see a glimpse of heaven each morning.

Know my dear girl that you are being prayed for by many....so many.  We are asking God for His perfect plan for your life. We are trusting.  We are longing for His story to unfold even further.  We are not crying tears of sadness...but tears of joy in knowing something BIG and BOLD and AMAZING is going to happen on July 2nd.  We are believing that God is going to use you in a mighty way.

We love you so, so much and mommy is going to keep on singing "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus" to you...and to my soul.


'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
And to take him at his word;
Just to rest upon his promise,
And to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust him more!

I'm so glad I learned to trust thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, friend;
And I know that thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

Precious Jesus, my Savior, my friend...we trust you, Lord.  We trust in you alone.
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:8