My great, big God.

Do you have a day in mind?  A day that caused your heart to literally pound out of your chest, causing such crippling fear you became unsure of your very next breath?  You literally were stopped in your tracks. The day that you were faced with the choice of rather or not you would really believe all that God said He was.  We all have that day etched into our souls, or will one day experience such a day. For me that day was August 15, 2008.  It was the day our oldest daughter was diagnosed with a devastating seizure diagnosis, with a very poor medical outlook.  All of our original hopes and dreams were stripped away and God has begun the work of planting new hopes and dreams.

I’ll be honest; my outlook isn’t always viewed with eyes on eternity.  Those that do life with me know me full well.  They see the ugly and the dark…but know that the light is within…doing it’s very best to shine through. There are days that I feel defeated from the moment I wake up.  I do my best to remind myself that feelings and emotions are fleeting.  They are not grounded in spiritual truth. Please, hear me, when I express to you that in no way do I have it all together…it is through the incredible power of the Holy Spirit that I get up each morning and face the day.  It’s my humble prayer that my heart will leap through these words and you will allow the Holy Spirit to show you that the same God who has taken my heart captive is ready for you to run to Him and to run this race with Him.  I don’t have it all figured out.  Some days I am crying and angry.  Some days I am calm and at peace.  Yet one thing remains constant, at my core, I know that I serve a God who sees the entire story.  When I am reeling in agony from the current situation that has ripped my heart into shreds, I dare not forget that He is the author of my story and my simple mind can’t contain what He sees. 

All of us have trials in our life.  Big or small, they are always trying to the individual facing them. I love that when I have problems that are too great of a burden to carry, I know I have a God who is bigger.  Let’s be real though, that statement said out loud sounds like a nice, holy sentiment, doesn’t it?  Yet, how do we face those trials with the ability to really believe it? Really believe that God is holding this life of ours in His mighty hands and He will use it for good.

Isaiah 55 is one of my favorite passages of scripture.  The way Isaiah uses verbiage so cleverly, is why he is considered the “Shakespeare of the Bible”. The description in verses 8- 9 of the heavens and earth being far apart, are used merely as an illustration of just how far apart our plans and God’s plans actually are. I love that imagery. I love knowing that while I may be experiencing intense spiritual and physical turmoil…that God knows the ending and He is working all things for good.  Not for my good, but for His.  Romans 8:28 (MSG), Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Nothing we experience is wasted.  God can use all of it.  Every last tear, every sleepless night, every conversation, every prayer…can and will be used to bring Him glory.

There are so many situations that boggle our minds and could cause us to question our faith and even question our great big God.  Devastating medical diagnoses, failed relationships, the loss of loved ones, disappointment in situations or people, abuse, infertility….the list goes on and on. For me personally, it is the paralyzing and consuming fears of losing my daughter.  I realize it is a situation out of my control and spending time dwelling on those thoughts will leave me empty and vulnerable to the enemies attack. I’m acutely aware that my mind can’t contain a possible explanation or reason that God would allow us to walk through seasons of great darkness…yet, He does.  Though your current situation may not be producing the good effects that you desire, it will be used for ultimate good in the eyes of Christ, so that the whole world will be filled with the knowledge and love of Christ…even if that means you never see the story unfold with your own eyes here on earth.

The take-away for me in Isaiah 55 is that it is in Christ alone that we find life.  His plan for my life is far too vast for me to truly understand.  His ways are “far beyond anything you could imagine.” He sees the end of my journey…including the stories of my children.  I can’t fathom the eternal plans He has.  I’m not minimalizing the heartache or the intense pain felt in the day to day of parenting my daughter or whatever you may be facing…I’m acknowledging that I am inept in fully understanding my great big God.

So how does one truly live a life fully believing that God is bigger than our circumstances? I’m still working that out daily, friends. These are things that I do know:

I firmly believe that grieving is normal and necessary.  In Psalm 34:18 the Bible says, the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. There comes a point that you will realize that you have to release the sadness and the disappointment.  Psalm 30:5, Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.  Personally, I can’t dwell in the place of sorrow and anger over her seizure diagnosis or it will cripple me. There are numerous days where I struggle with the anger, frustration and sorrow that accompanies watching 50+ seizures every day.  I have to make a daily choice to give it over to God.  (Psalm 55:22) I don’t have to find joy in the seizures, I have to find joy in Christ and His ability to use the seizures for His glory. No matter the burden, God will help you to carry it and allow you to have victory!

Isaiah 40:28-31, Have you never heard?  Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

I’m not equipped to handle situations on my own.  I’m just not.  I do know that I am part of the plan that God has for my child.  I haven’t been called to heal her.  I haven’t been called to deliver her from the life God allowed her to live. He has a perfect plan for her….and for me. I know this about my great, big God. He never tires.  His level of understanding is far greater than the human heart can comprehend. He gives me power and strength that are not able to be defined. I am able to run and not grow weary.  I may feel defeated momentarily, but God will not allow me to dwell there.  He is my dwelling place. He will not allow me to be left in a state of defeat.

In conclusion, let me remind you that this is my story.  I am far from knowing it all; I have barely scratched the surface of knowing who Christ truly is.  I do know that I serve a great, big God that LOVES me.  I understand a meniscal concept of that love as a momma. There are things that I do as a mother that my children don’t understand…but I see more of the picture than they do.  Our heavenly Father sees ALL.  I have to trust in a great, big God like that. I allow myself to have moments of sorrow and then remind myself that my life isn’t about me…it’s about knowing, serving and loving Jesus (often by loving my children) and praying that my life causes others to long to know my great, big God.