Will it ever not hurt?

After a fun morning of playing in the snow with my youngest two blessings, I came in to check on Bug. She was sleeping all cuddled on the couch after a rough night of seizures. When I walked in the house to check on her while leaving Daddy on snow duty outside I was instantly overtaken by this huge rush of emotion. I had just witnessed laughter and giggling and pure joy outside with Doo and Bee playing in the snow and all along just longing for Bug to be outside with them. Chasing each other, pulling one another in the sled and longing for hot chocolate when they came inside. As I was standing in the kitchen tears just fell down my face. My heart was broken. I said out loud to God, "Will it ever not hurt?"

Right after that in the pit of my very heart I felt the Lord clearly tell me that He knew my hurt. He experienced it. It was so real. It was as if God was talking to me parent to parent. He clearly could understand my heartache. His son was crucified for me. He understood people rejecting His son. He understood watching His child suffer. He understood that agony.

One day I will have the privilege of seeing my Bug running on the streets of heaven and telling me story after story that I don't already know of how God used her life to bring Him glory. I will have that treasured gift....because of God's son. Jesus.

After that very real moment with the Lord, I gained my composure and decided that I was going to take Bug outside to play in the snow. Sure, it would be modified according to her needs and she might not love it as much as her little sisters...but this was something that I could do with her. She did enjoy it...smiles galore...some even for the camera. ;)

Will it ever not hurt?  Probably not. This life is filled with a lot of pain and more heartache than this momma can sometimes even put into words. But oh...the JOY. There is a reprieve from the pain. The joy is endless if I can just remember to look for it. To cherish the tiny little things and to teach myself to not dwell on the hard. To relish the moments of sitting with all three girls happily eating pizza by the fire after playing in the snow....and being little for this moment.