New mercies

Today, has not been one of my better days. I'll readily admit I've cried, yelled and been filled with sadness..and I'm still not in a wonderful frame of mind....so here I sit and write. I have struggled with every single detail of my life today. I've been bitter and angry all morning....I've been a regular peach this afternoon, let me tell you.

Satan is on full attack. I can recognize it. I can sense it. I can acknowledge it. I know who I am...I just can't seem to pull myself out of the pit. I'm wallowing in self-pity...but I know I can't stay here...it's not a place you live or vacation. Self-pity should be reserved for small amounts of time (like using a gas station bathroom.)  My thoughts have been filled with jealousy, negativity, frustration and downright ugliness. I say this and share this because I have been so greatly humbled over these last few days in countless ways...God has poured out countless blessings. Alas, I feel like I have the weight of the world on top of me today.

I don't get up each morning and long to change a 9 year old little girls diaper and watch her seize and stop breathing each and EVERY SINGLE morning. I don't love sitting on the floor every other night helping her to use the restroom.  I don't enjoy having to dead lift her into our vehicle. I don't love that I physically ache so badly on a daily basis that my hands constantly shake. I don't relish the fact that so many social events I don't attend with my other children...because figuring out the logistics of taking Bug make me frazzled and anxious. I have great disdain for insurance phone calls and medical bills. I don't like that I allow regrets and self doubt in the decisions we've made for Bug in the past to haunt me. I'm so very broken. I'm on empty...so many moments of so many days. This is the ugly side of me, my sin nature. I get jealous of the moms whose children speak to them, whose children can feed themselves, whose children can use the restroom, whose children don't have seizures that take their breath away. I can so easily become envious of their lives and their journey. I can be rude and flippant and unkind. Angry that what I planned for my life hasn't unfolded the way that I wanted. I am ridiculous. Honestly...ridiculous.

But God. But. God. Here's my secret. At my very core...I know exactly who I am and who I belong to. When I decided to follow Christ...that meant handing over the pen and paper. I am so grateful that my plan for my life didn't unfold. I know this at my inner most heart...but some days I just have to be reminded of what God has done for me. The people I love most in my life...wouldn't be those people. I wouldn't be who I am if my plan had happened. I wouldn't have the three most amazing children on the planet. I wouldn't have gotten to witness countless miracles in the lives of my children. I wouldn't have fallen desperately in love with Jesus. I'd have missed out on so much more than I even know!!

Today my emotions and feelings are loud. I know that feelings aren't real. They are fleeting. The permanent fixture of my life is JESUS CHRIST. He is unchanging. I have to go back to the word.
Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. John 16:20 

My world is hard. I won't even attempt to lie and say that it isn't. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say...and I see more beauty than I could ever begin to convey. I have the gift of a husband that mirrors Jesus' love to me all the time. Lifts me up when I am at my low and snarky point. Finds new ways to make me laugh regularly and loves me without judgement. I have three daughters...each one unique in what they bring to this family, each one treasured and loved, each one a gift from God himself. The fact that He thought me worthy enough to get the privilege of being each of their mommas...well, that in itself is humbling....for they are priceless.

I'm still weepy right now. Yet I know that His mercies are new every morning and that mourning will only last a bit. Thankful for joy. Joy that is unbreakable.

I pray that if you have found yourself in a pit today...that maybe knowing that someone else has been in one too...and can tell you that it won't last forever...well, maybe that will encourage you to press on. Tomorrow is a new day with new mercies.