Happy 18th Birthday, Bug!!!

The one who made me a momma turns 18 today. It is a day we are celebrating and rejoicing in! This day doesn’t look like we imagined when we embarked on the journey of parenthood. It holds the deepest joy and yet, a sorrow that can’t be described. When you’re told that your baby girl won’t likely live past the age of eight—those are words that truly just never leave you. Every single year that we’ve celebrated her birthday we have been overwhelmed with gratitude, for it is our God, the only One who gives breath, who has sustained her BEAUTIFUL life!

From the very first moment I laid eyes on her, she took hold of my heart in a powerful way. As I rocked her tiny 2 lb.13 oz. frame in the NICU, I would sing Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus, never realizing just how much those words would mean to me and how they would become a truth I would cling to. Some days—I’d hold on to them for dear life.  Her life has been God’s greatest gift to me to teach me about WHO HE IS. He uses her regularly to show Himself to me. I see Him in the moments when she is silently watching the leaves make shadows out of our living room window. I see Him when she lifts her eyes to match my gaze and says my name. Hearing mama from her sweet voice is a treasure. I see Him when I watch her light up when the people she loves walk into the room…let’s be honest, we all know she loses her mind when Baday arrives. I see Him when I watch the wonder in her eyes at the magic of a ceiling fan. I see Him when I watch her sisters love her, serve her, and sit with her. I see Him when I watch my husband pray over her every single night as he places her in bed. I see Him when she’s dancing in the car to worship music, has a seizure, and goes right back to dancing. I see Jesus in her all the time. 

Her smile will surely melt you. Her laugh is like solid gold. Her joy in going “bye bye” is simple and pure. Sonic tater tots are the way to her heart. That’s her secret code. Her knocking on the table to get you to hurry up with her chips and queso or her nuggets and fries—well it’s both hilarious and completely relatable, am I right? Her morning is not complete without her cup of coffee—also quite relatable. Her snobbery and bougie spirit when it comes to milkshakes is expensive and so worth it. The face she makes when being put into a hot vehicle in the summer speaks volumes without her having to ever say a word! She will always let you know if she isn’t happy. Always. 

I could endlessly discuss the joys of my Bug. Endlessly. Yet, I can also be honest and say that the hard stuff is really hard. There are days that I’ve pleaded with God to not allow the suffering to continue for her. He has answered a multitude of my prayers for her life. Jesus has never left her side or ours, and I know He never will.

My heart must share this because I believe, as followers of Christ, we often try to neatly tie stories and testimonies with a bow. We somehow feel like there needs to be a happy ending. That isn’t how life works. That isn’t how Jesus works….this side of heaven. There will be the sweetest and happiest ending someday when she meets Jesus face to face. I believe with every single part of my being that I will not even feel the need to ask the question ‘why’ when I am there with Him and I see with my own eyes all the aspects of her life and how He used her. 

But in the here and now that question lurks….because sometimes the hard continues. Sometimes the seizures don’t stop. Sometimes the behaviors and aggression aren’t helped by medicine. Sometimes the healing doesn’t come. Sometimes we don’t get to see our daughter graduate and go off to college. Sometimes we don’t have the hope of seeing our daughter walk down the aisle to get married and start her own family. That doesn’t negate the powerful purpose God has for her life. That doesn’t stop God from using her to change the world for the better. It also doesn’t stop our human hearts from grieving and contemplating the 'what if’s’.

It’s okay to grieve. Period. It’s okay to sit in the questions for a minute. Period. It’s okay to feel overwhelming JOY and overwhelming SORROW simultaneously. I believe my Jesus looks at my girl with both as well. He sees the end of the story for certain…but I know in my heart that the fallenness of this world and what she endures breaks His heart. I know it. I also believe that He lights up when He sees her smile with joy amidst her suffering. I know that He looks at whatever situation we might be facing, whatever the hard in our story is, I know He grieves it with us.

Today is a HAPPY day. My daughter is 18. She is beautiful, she is loved, she is a teacher, she is funny, she is sassy, she is the one who forever holds the place in my heart of the one who made me a mother. I am grateful. I am abundantly blessed in ways I’ll never be able to put into words. I absolutely and completely adore this little human….and I am full of hope for the future. 

Thank you, Jesus, for entrusting us with her.  Her name means “pure, little darling”. It’s quite fitting, don’t you think? Happiest 18th birthday, my precious girl!! I love you more than those words could ever express.

Love, 

Momma

(The song playing on the slideshow is entitled Faithful by Newsong and is one that makes me think about my girl and how good and faithful God has been to us.)

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee, precious Jesus, Savior, Friend; and I know that Thou art with me, wilt be with me to the end. This last verse of Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus has become the story of her life and mine. My heart is grateful. 

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