New year. New hope.

I'm going to go ahead and say that yesterday was probably in the top ten of my hardest days.  Yesterday, a beautiful baby boy was born and I witnessed him coming into this world.  He is perfection.  My heart was shattered and changed in many ways...I was seriously struggling, aching, devastated may be the best word.  The tears were uncontrollable. 

I witnessed the first birth I'd ever seen.  I was nervous, excited and emotional prior to going in with the birth mom.  Afterwards, all I felt was raw and exposed...and full of anxiety and questions that I'd obviously never dealt with before.  I was angry at God for allowing me to be in that room, for allowing this birth mom to take him home to a horrifying situation, to allow me to feel utterly helpless.  The innocence and beauty is beyond compare at that moment a child enters this world.  Today, I am grateful to have been able to witness it...yet not feeling as though I've missed out on something.  I was so frustrated with the reason that God would allow a woman to bring children in the world that she can't raise.  Why he didn't allow me to carry a child, why He continues to allow the hurt into my life.   I dealt with so much anger,  frustration and questioning God's plan because I didn't understand it.  Did you get that?  Because I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.  At this moment, I still do not fully understand my place in this...but I am beginning to understand it may be more about me and not necessarily as much about the birth mom or the precious boy.

Whew.  I am so incredibly grateful that I serve a God who allows me to throw my raw and unedited emotions at Him.  I am humbled that He has chosen me to walk beside this birth mother and to see pain, sadness and beauty dwell within the same soul. 

Today, after spending time with the birth mom, I went to speak with one of her nurses.  I shared why I was there and a little bit about the whole situation which led to the discussion of our adoption stories.  This precious nurse poured a little piece of her heart out to me...she has been through more devastation when trying to become a mother than my heart could hold.  My eyes began to fill with tears (which lets be honest they've been like Niagra Falls the last couple of days) as she shared about losing an infant at 36 weeks along. Her next heartache was almost taking a baby home from the hospital after waiting months for him to arrive only to have a birth mom change her mind. Her situation now--waiting until March for a baby--praying this time the birth mom doesn't change her mind. She cried and we hugged and I was literally able to remind her that there is a purpose and a plan for her life and for the child that God has for her.  I was able to remind her that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear.  I was able to tell her that we must succumb to HIS WILL for our lives amidst the anguish and the sorrow.  I was able to tell her that our God cries with her.  I was able to tell her that God loves her and her future child infinitely more than our feeble minds can fathom.  I was able to TELL MYSELF the SAME.

Again, isn't God just amazing?  I am very emotional today and it's okay for me to grieve what I don't know.  It's okay to be scared for this little boy.  It's okay to continue to pray for him.  It's even okay to want him...I just have to want God's will for my life...more.  I must give my best for His glory.  Even if it's hard.  Even if it's not fair.  Even if all it does is bring me heartache and deep sorrow...it's NOT about me.  It's all about HIS GLORY.

Today is a new day.  I have new hope for HIS PLAN for my life.  I have new hope for my family.  I have new hope that God is working in and through me--if I'll just let go of the reins.  His glory brings me HOPE.

Blessings sweet friends.  Praying that you, as well as myself, daily realize that our hope is built on nothing less than JESUS blood and righteousness.

Much love,
K