Enough

Enough. Jesus is enough. That was my word, my mantra for 2018. I’m not sure I truly grasped in January the significance of that word, nor do I even fully understand that word today. Enough.  I truly feel like the last 16 weeks have been a constant battle within my own heart, mind and soul…is He enough?

I go to verses such 1 Corinthians 13:12 and cling to them, “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” I know with every fiber of my soul that God has a perfect plan for our daughter…but…

I have been in a dark place. I miss my daughter. I miss our “normal hard”. I grieve her curly head on my shoulder and her breathing in my face with those two little slobbery fingers in her mouth. I grieve knowing her signals, her cries, her behaviors. Mommas pride themselves on knowing their babies—and this version of my girl—I don’t know. I don’t know if she will ever sleep through the night, if she’ll eat again, when she cries is it hunger, is it pain—these are things that I can’t answer. I panic when her hands go to her head to pull more of her hair or she grinds her teeth out of fear of me possibly doing something she doesn’t like and it fills her with anxiety. I have to literally walk away. It won’t always be this hard. I keep telling my little girls this…but down deep I wonder to myself…but what if it is? Consuming thoughts attack over and over.

She smiles. She laughs. She is still beautifully mine. I cling to hope that God will bring her back fully. Right now, it’s on me. I am broken, tired and truly saddened. I am filled with overwhelming grief that comes in tidal waves and my body truly feels as though I have been to hell and back and then some. Tears come that I cannot control. Fear, panic and the deepest sorrow I’ve ever known comes in wave after crashing wave. An overall sense of anxiety consumes my body in a way I’ve never experienced. I’m trying to have faith, trust His plan, believe that tomorrow will be better—but what does that look like? Does that mean that I don’t question God? Does that mean that I don’t yell out in anger and despair? I don’t know how it is supposed to look…

I know that I am taking one day at a time, one minute at a time some days. God hasn’t promised me more than this day and this moment.  I am listing each and every way that I see His hand. I am recounting the kindness bestowed on our family through meals, gifts, prayers. I am undone daily by His love for me poured out in the hands and feet of others. I am fully aware of His provision and compassion. The outpouring of our people—has been humbling. Truly. It is a very real and tangible way of having seen His goodness amidst this current path.

I cling to this truth. Jesus loves her. He loves me. He loves my husband and all of our girls. He is for us. He sees us. He has never left our sides throughout this entire journey. He never will. He doesn’t promise to heal our girl on this side of heaven—but one day He will. He has caught every tear…not one was unimportant to Him.

When the enemy keeps flooding my mind with ‘what if’’ and ‘what could have been’…I am doing my all to trust. Trust that even if He doesn’t answer my pleas and my deepest desires the way I want Him to…He is enough. He has to be. Ephesians 3:20-21 says, “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,  to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” I love this verse because it reminds me of what I already know…GOD has a plan. He is able to out do all of my dreams and far more than I could ever ask in regards to my child.

It’s a daily choice for me to surrender my will. My dreams. My desires. My hopes for my family.  My will. I surrender all. It’s a daily choice…sometimes minute by minute. I don’t win them all. If I only focus on the hard and the ugly parts of this journey—I fail to acknowledge the beauty and the grace within the tears. There are a lot of tears…and I’m sure there will be more. So, I am focusing my mind on the very word enough. Jesus is enough. I am enough…because He is enough.

I pray that those of you reading this are able to see Jesus in your own details and trust Him even when you are angry and bitter and feel as though your prayers aren’t being answered. Although, my prayers haven’t been answered yet—I know He hears, He grieves with me, He prays for me, for my husband, and for our children and most of all I know that He is ENOUGH.